Reasons Why Wedding Dress Shopping Sucks

I should have known better.

First of all, we went to The Store Which Strikes Fear Into My Fashion-Snobby Soul.

Then, the lady that was supposed to be my "bridal Consultant" (sort of in the same way the checkout people at Wal-Mart are "customer service representatives") decided she was "gonna get a bite to eat" and just walked away from the desk, with me sitting right there.

Then my thin-but-nice-so-I-can't-hate-her maid of honor showed up, and my pinch-hitter bridal consultant came in to help. I'd picked out some styles I liked, but alas, they "weren't in my size".

This alone caused problems:

• My mother is in denial about me being anything less than a size 16. Period.
• My mother, even after being informed that I was an 18w, insisted on picking dresses from the rack that were size 14 and 16.
• I felt like a complete whale because all the dresses "in my size" were horrible, save two.

And the fun didn't stop there!

As luck/fate/karma would have it, everyone else in the store was Smaller Than Me. Except for the thin bride-to-be's hairdresser/mother/aunt's(?) (who will henceforth be known as Captain Comment. ) sidekick (hereafter known as Parrot). I actually felt sorry for Parrot, who was my size. The night went something like this:

Captain Comment: What a lovely dress! [aside, sotto voce to Parrot because obviously fat people can't hear]: dresses in her size are cut differently; see how the material is stiffer? She should get something that visually pulls her in. Unlike [bride-to-be], who can wear anything! Thank GOD my daughter isn't fat like that girl!

Me: @#$@!effingBridalCrap...

Mother: How about this one?!

Bridal Consultant: (to self) How long until closing time?

Me: (to self) Maybe a Tsunami will hit this place. Or at least a meteor.

Captain Comment: Oh, now that is So Flattering! It Really does make you look less big!

Parrot: Raaawwrk! Yes, that is Flattering!

Me: Yes, it's a bit of all right.

Bridal Consultant: It's nice.

Mom: Does it come in a size 14?

Me: Okay, time to go...[to Bridal Consultant] Thanks!

Parrot (as I get my coat): I really liked that last one. It really looked good on you.

Captain Comment: (dead silence)

Bride-to-be: bye!

Me: (to all) Bye! (to self) Thank God! I can make my escape!

Captain Comment (as I am now 20 feet away) : TRY THE PRINCESS DRESSES! TRUST ME! THEY'RE SO SLIMMING! YOU HAVE TO TRY THE PRINCESS STYLE DRESSES! THEY'RE SLENDERIZING!

Me: RUN!

I've decided that it really isn't too much to ask that I be allowed to wear a white tailored suit to the wedding. I wish I could wear a tux. At least a tux would look nice. And nobody comments on men's weight in Tux rental shops.