In which Fear is discussed.

I was listening to Michael Baisden's show yesterday, all about how men can't handle women's fantasies*, and how women best keep that sort of thing to themselves. Then I went over to the Trois site and saw some posts about age and fear and how those two things have changed your perspective.

here's what I've learned:

I'm a wuss.

I was scared when I was 21 and had a body to die for that nobody would like me, and so I stewed in my own lust until I finally just threw myself at the one most unsuitable person I could have found -- and became what? even more repressed for a few years.

Then, after I graduated, I repeated the cycle with another, even more unsuitable person -- this was was not only abusive, but crazy as well -- and became (you guessed it!) sexually withdrawn and conflicted.

Repeat cycle again at 26, when i finally got the nerve enough to give my virginity to another jerkoff who, despite my aptitude and enthusiasm, couldn't stop sleeping with other people. I was no longer beautiful (as evidenced by the catastropic meeting of an online lover), and decided that it just wasn't worth it.

So I settled down with someone who would have me, and have tried to shut the part away that got me into so much damned trouble in the first place.

Fear, like cocaine, "is a terrible drug".

I wish I could go back to my 19 year old self and show her a picture of what she would become. I wish I hadn't been so damned scared. So what if Patrick ___ never gave me the time of day? I could have sucked him silly in the 3rd floor stacks and never looked back. I could have been beautiful despite my size 4 roomate. I could have distracted Troy from her instead of fooling around with some underclassman replacement. I would have never been so afraid that no one would ever want me that I would jump at the first man who asked.

And now that I'm too old and fat for it to be anything other than true, I fear the truth: I missed my chance.

Damned shame, that.


*I completely agree with this statement. For all our discussion about money, mortgage, budgeting, planning, and other businesslike issues, my husband and I are as polite and distant from each other as I am from my boss. We do not discuss sex, and fantasies are a nonexistent point. We have tried, and the discussion leads only to arguments and awkwardness.