"I pray you, daughter, sing, or express yourself in a more comfortable sort."*

"You know, now don't be offended. This is just me talking to you, woman to woman."

When my mother says this, it's code for "I'm about to say something that will either gall or hurt you, and I don't give a shit because I can say things like this with complete impunity because I am your mother."

"You can't trust any man..."

See, right there, I know I'm in trouble. And I stop her. "I don't want to hear this."

But she doesn't stop there, folks. Ohhh no. Because she's had time to mull a few things over. Apparently being retired leaves you lots of time to come up with foolywang ish like:

• "You aren't allowed to visit me."
  
• "He cooks for you everyday, right? Be careful, that's all I'm saying.
  
• "Because your father was bad, and well, I'm not saying [C] is bad, but you can't trust anybody but God.

and tonight's winner.....

• "He might be trying to fatten you up to kill you.
  

This was almost as much fun as the time she insinuated, mere weeks before my wedding, that I should lose weight because otherwise C. would cheat on me and/or leave me.

Wierdest thing is, she seemed genuinely surprised when I asked her what the hell she was saying, if she thought about what she said before she said it, and told her I couldnt' talk to her anymore.

* from Act 1, Scene 3 of Coriolanus.