fat = No Lingerie?

I'm reposting this from the post I made at curvychick because it's sort of relevant. I've noticed I've been tossing out my underwear lately, that it's old and tattered and not me at all. It's boring and plain. In fact, it's what I started buying when I met C. and he stated that he didn't like lacy/see-through lingerie. And what's left after he laughed at me when I first tried to wear lingerie for him. And I started buying what he wanted. And I didnt' bother to fight because, well, I'm fat. And who could blame him for laughing, right?

Anyway, here's the post:

I was responding to a post about bras, and ended up thinking about my own love/hate relationship with lingerie.

I've learned to wear clothes as a shield: to cloak myself behind what I put on. But in lingerie, it's just not possible to hide.
And as a would-have-been sex goddess, it stands to reason that I have what must be the most schizophrenic lingerie chest in the world.In fact, have an entire piece of furniture devoted to the stuff, 99% of which I won't/can't wear.

Demi-cup bras, frayed-and-grayed sports bras, plain cotton bras, satin slips, granny panties, lace-top stockings, garter belts, opaque tights, cable tights (you wouldn't believe how comfy they are)...all co-existing in a hodgepodge of frustrated sensuality and cold reality.

Mainly, that lingerie does not look on me like it does the waifs in the catalogues, ads, or pictures. The last time I wore lingerie for my husband, I was laughed at. (he swears I just "took him by surprise and he wasn't expecting it.").

I suspect differently and dress appropriately. The full-cut granny briefs? The greyish white bra with the serviceable wide straps? They're for me.

But occasionally I find myself buying for that would-be sexpot that doesn't exist. Maybe if I got back to a size 12, or weren't so sure I'd feel not only ridiculous, but embarassed, I'd wear the lacy black bra and matching boyshorts. Or buy that pretty purple demi-cup bra with pink edging.

Lingerie is, after all, intensely personal and yes, sensual. For me, it's a matter of do I deserve to be seen this way? Will I be accepted this way?

Maybe this is an inappropriate question, but is it possible to really see oneself as a sexy person out of (or mostly out of ) one's clothes as it is in them?

The girls over at curvychick (who are much more accepting of anyone over size 2 than at MUA), all agree that husband be damned, I should be buying nicer stuff. That I should be encasing myself in silk and lace and mesh and whatever else I feel is appropriate. But here's the kicker:

I hear C.'s laughter and my own deriding voice in my head every time I think about pretty bras and stuff: "Just who the hell are you trying to kid?"