beginnings, endings, and oh yeah, the invites are in.

I've severed contact with the ex/friend, and frankly, it's not fun.

At all.

I mean, not even a little bit.

The knowledge that I'm "doing the right thing" tm doesn't help me at all when I'm by myself and lonely at night and Clary's not around and I don't have anyone to talk to or laugh with.

Just like I told Clary and him, it's dangerous that I seek out validation/fun/closeness with someone -- even mentally, even emotionally, even with someone I know I'll probably never a)meet and b) be in a relationship with again other than Clary. Clary saw it as a threat. He saw it as simple truth, and though I didn't like it any more than he did, and I wanted to scream at the hurt in his voice, he just accepted it and said, "Okay."

But we get on so well. He gets me. He had me at hello. We were more than friends for so long, friends for even longer.

And I can't even send him an invitation to our wedding. The lovely blue shiny pocketfolds with thermographed white cardstock and navy ink that don't have my and his names in them, but mine and Clary's.

I wish he could come, and I could see him, even if it were for that one day and it was to say goodbye. Because something tells me it would have to be goodbye after we met.

I'm scared. What if Clary never, ever knows me or connects with me the way he did? What if I have to go through life with no one that understands me like he did? The man was willing to take on my mother, for chrissakes. I budgeted for him to get him a great christmas gift. We talked for hours about nothing. He knows me like nobody else -- sexually, mentally, everything but physically.

And I guess that matters too. He's got the fantasy advantage. He never burps without saying 'excuse me', he never walks around in old family reunion t-shirts and underwear, he always says I look great, even when I don't. If we were ever to meet, I'm sure he'd be just as problem-laden as Clary and perhaps worse.

There are reasons we didn't work out, after all: I'm selfish, he's moody, neither one of us is anything close to fiscally responsible, we're both into immediate gratification, and I don't have a lot of faith in either of our abilities to stay faithful for the long haul.

But I feel like I'm missing something. And what I'm missing is my friend. I'm not going to think about how much.