Ha! Ha! Ha! Or, I'm Only Happy When it Rains

Wal-Mart, in its evilness, had a santa garter belt set on display yesterday. Near the Aisle. In the Women's section.

I could've choked.

Not only was I in the most Vile Place on the Planet the day before Christmas Eve, but while there, I was having my sexual inadequacy dangled in front of me in lurid crimson poly-blend panne velvet and the faux-est fur imaginable.

We went to the Panthers game today (Cowboys won, 24-20) and I actually toyed with the idea of pulling out this little red camisole and panty set I got from Target back when I thought sex would be a regular and problem-free part of my marriage. That was around 6 or so.

it's 8:19 p.m.

My husband is in the living room, watching Sportscenter, Sportsnight, Sports-sandwich, Fried Sports or some other stupidity.

And I am in no mood to be humiliated by wearing red scraps of lace and (horrors) a santa hat. It's just ridiculous. Unless one is a Frederick's of Hollywood model. In which case, it is a job requirement, and Mandatory.

Mom, well-meaning woman that she is, bought me an Oprah Book about living your best life. Of course, there's nicely-put information about dieting and even 'sexual confidence.' Which, apparently are interchangeable.

Maybe I'm rebelling with the weight. Maybe I need/want an excuse to be miserable, so I do things like eat entire packets of instant potatoes for dinner instead of broccolli (in fact, I would love to have broccolli more often, but C. cooks, and doesn't do vegetables much. And as with sex, it would be rude to complain.)

I see my breasts expanding and softening and really can't blame myself for not being interested in sex. I mean, I can't be on top -- how can I have a decent sex life? I've forgotten what mental foreplay feels like. I don't remember the last time I laughed (sardonic chuckling to oneself doesn't count) during sex or in bed.

One of my married friends from college thought I was kidding when I said, "If he got it somewhere else, I wouldn't be upset. In fact, I'd be a little relieved."

I wasn't kidding.

At all.

Regret, or Why Warnings Should Be Heeded.

Upon my expressing some uncertainty about some aspects of my marriage, a dear friend told me, only half-jokingly:

"You could always take a lover."

At the time, I thought her bitter, mean, and more than a little wrong.

Now I see her words for what they really are: Utter wisdom.

I was reading His Needs; Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage and got through maybe the first half of the chapter of "what he needs" (sex on tap) before wanting to take the book, strap it to a Cemtex brick, and throw it at the author, HARD.

of course, men don't read these books. they don't care that we need "affection" "conversation", etc. Those concepts, to them, are like Plato's Ideals: Things they hear about on TV and songs, but none of them ever think it exists, much less that they would want to experience any of it, or God forbid, have to do any of it for their wives.

So why are we beat about the head and shoulders with advice like "Make yourself more physically available?" and "Find out more about your libido so that you can be more sexually in tune with him"!?

His idea of foreplay is pulling at my bra. There is no sexual tune there.

So I'm a bad wife because I'm denying him "The sex he so desperately needs".

I need a lot of things. I need a hobby. I need to reread Shakespeare's tragedies.

I need to lose 50 pounds and call my friend and ask her if she knows anybody.

And another thing....

Why even bother when he thinks I'm fat?

this morning, we had a blowout because I was eating leftover Chinese for breakfast.

"Wasn't that supposed to be your lunch?"
"No..."
"Babe, why don't you eat some cereal?"
"I told you, with cereal, I'm hungry and mad by 10 a.m.!"
"But you're eating THREE FULL MEALS A DAY!!"

"Any nutritionist will tell you that's too much!"
"It's LEFTOVERS! You ate all of YOURS last night!! I didn't finish -- so I'm having it now!

(I have to paraphrase from here on because I was pissed and things get fuzzy:)

"You're not even trying."
"I see I can't eat in front of you, either."
" I lost so much weight when I followed their diet and was working out -- even the ladies were wondering how I lost so much weight!"
"You're A MAN! your metabolism is different from MINE!"
"I'm just saying, babe...if you go to nutritionist, they'll tell you...."

And by that time, I was fuming and just wanted to get dressed and go to work.

And let's not even talk about how he's been bothering me FOR WEEKS to show him the dress I'm wearing to his friend's birthday party tomorrow night. It's a black wrap dress, for Chrissakes. He's acting like I'm going dressed like an extra from Moulin Rouge or something. "Why won't you show it to me? Whyyyy? What's the big deal?"

Um, because I know you're scared shitless I'll embarass you, that's why. And that pisses me off.

How am I supposed to want sex from someone who tries to monitor what I eat, how I dress? That's not sexy.

More Bad Wifery, or "It's been over a week!"

Somewhere, pigs are flying.
George W. Bush is listening to Wu-Tang Clan.
The Fashion Industry is pledging to make plus-size designing a priority.


The end is near.

Know how I know?

Because I, Gina D, am repulsed by sex. The evidence:

- Haven't seen porn in a month.
- I've only been working on the erotic novel I started because I'm so bored.
- I'd rather sleep than think up fantasies.
- I fake sleep so C. won't bother me with sex requests when he's home.
- I dread C. being home because I know aforementioned requests are coming.
- I don't remember where the Joes are. Nightstand? pantyhose drawer? Who knows? (and worse, who cares?)
- I actually thought about putting on lingerie and laughed out loud, then pulled out a pair of sweatpants and slept in those.

now that last statment should give an idea of just how bad things have gotten.

Last week, I had a good excuse for not doing anything. But that's over with now, and so the begging has started again. Which I despise. And am having to go to bed earlier and earlier just to say that I'm sleeping or at least, too tired to. I'll have to step my game up the next couple of weeks and just not be home when he is.

The positive side: There's incentive to work late and find a nighttime job!

This morning, I was sneaking out of the shower, hoping he wouldn't come running in while I was naked and try anything, and thought "If he got sex from someone else, I wouldn't be mad."

And I wouldn't. Who could blame him? And if she liked the way he did it, more power to her. We could still be married, have our house together, and he could do what he had to do. No problem.

I wish I remembered how to want it. I just don't.

I asked about it on a message board and this is what I got in reply:

How long is a reasonable amount of time for an SO to be okay with "not tonight, honey"?He's tired of hearing it -- I'm tired of saying it -- we're at an impasse. I've explained to him it's likely the BCP (and I don't start the new ones until probably the end of the month). I'm just tired of hearing the "But it's been [x amount of time]!"I don't know how else to put it. I don't want to fake it. I don't want to do something I don't have any interest in. I don't want to 'take one for the team."I really don't know what to do -- we're at a complete impasse.

Um. r/o KateyDid 12/15/2005 11:18:00 AM
Help him out manually? Or orally? Try to see if you can get into it, and if not finish him off in one of these ways? I don't think people should have to have sex when they don't want to, but I sympathise with him too - I'd go nuts if I was in a relationship but not getting any. It's not your fault, obviously, but it's tough for him too.

Sometimes you just have to be willing to be willing.It's like exercise, you may not feel rop goddessintraining 12/15/2005 11:15:00 AM
"motivated" to do it, but sometimes you can't wait for motivation! Once you get started, your body kicks in and you are "motivated"....give it a try...get a good, long warm up from him first - that will help!

Just do it, once things get started, you'll more than likely have fun. brckhous2002 12/15/2005 11:14:00 AM

you don't have to fake an O, but maybe say that you'd be willing to go to the bedroom ro marin79 12/15/2005 11:12:00 AM
and try to get in the mood for a certain period of time. sometimes you just have to get in there and get things started and then you enjoy it.I don't know- I don't think you should have to have sex you don't want, but it is fair of him to expect sex every so often imo.

I don't really know. It depends on the person. were you fairly active in the past? alicemf 12/15/2005 11:11:00 AM

Just start, and you'll probably get right into it. icyblonde 12/15/2005 11:10:00 AM

2nd, you may not want it , but you may find you enjoy it when you do start up catx 12/15/2005 11:12:00 AM

WTF??
Am I the only one who sees anything wrong with this??

Apparently so.

So yeah, again ...I'm a bad wife.

"For Women Only"

Apparently I'm a bad wife.

Such is the verdict from "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men".

Here's the list of things I don't do:

• I'm not 'trying to take care of myself' -- I'm not pretty enough and am not making a visibly active effort to lose weight.
• I don't give a flying crap about if I hurt his feelings when I tell him his jokes and rude noises aren't funny.
• I don't have sex when I don't feel like it.

So yeah, I'm a bad wife. Whoo hoo. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm moody and evil and feel about as sexy as cold oatmeal (thanks, Yasmin!).

Good thing we haven't started merging our CD and DVD collections. According to certain parties, divorce is imminent. Oh well. at least then I can get off the birth control and not feel like a slug.

I wrote a review on amazon about the book and my hatred for it:

How do you rate this item: 1 star

Please enter a title for your review: How to Cater to your Husband and Ignore Your Own Needs.

A well-meaning friend sent this to me. Perhaps I'm a bad wife, but i couldn't help but wonder where the compromise came in.
If you were to take this book as gospel, you'd have long bitten off your tongue to stop saying anything your husband could consider derrogatory or disrespectful, you'd be starving yourself (but cooking gourmet dinners for him) lest he think you weren't 'taking care of yourself', and faking orgasms every night because "men need sex; it's the physical equivalent of them talking to you".
So if you want a marraige like that, I'd definitely say 'follow this book to the letter.' If you want your marriage to be all about him, then read this book and follow the directions. Or, better yet, if you want to feel guilty because despite your best efforts, you dare speak your mind and say no to sex every now and again because you're -- gasp! -- tired, or worse, BUSY! Read this book.
otherwise, don't bother. It'll just make you mad.

I really want to write the author and ask her if she actually lives in Stepford, or if she lobotomized herself at home. Who can do all that crap?

And of course, the friend who sent the book was sugary about my text message: "I LOATHED this book".

"I really didn't expect you to like it."

See? she knows I'm a crap wife, too.